by Anne Cornelis - Futur Soi Coaching - December 8, 2023

Imposter syndrome doesn't exist

Of course, this in no way negates the feeling of imposter that we can all have.

Constantly plagued by self-doubt, uneasiness in the face of other people's success, procrastination in advancing your project or setting up your business, complexes and fear of being found out, constant devaluation and feelings of illegitimacy.

The problem gets worse when there's remuneration involved... Uncomfortable with asking for a price, people prefer to give their services for free or at a low price.

So what would it be?

I, the first, and 70% of the population have had it at least once in our lives (Journal of Behavioral Science, 2011).

But I've noticed that it's often confused with a serious lack of self-confidence!

Even though you've studied hard, sometimes had the opportunity to do a certain amount of practice, even passed an exam or certification, just because you've just got your driving license doesn't mean you're going to take to the highway in one fell swoop without a second thought. And in this example, it makes sense that it would take hours of driving experience to feel at ease!

So why not consider that the same is true in every field?

Definition of impostor syndrome

If we stick to the definition of impostor syndrome as identified and first described in 1978 by American psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne A. Imes, American psychologists, the person suffering from impostor syndrome has signs of success and achievement, but does not validate them.

She attributes her successes to external factors, such as luck or circumstances, and not to herself, her work and her skills. 

Common among the famous or those quickly propelled to the top, even Albert Einstein said he was embarrassed by the esteem in which his work was held. 

Once again, these compelling messages...

Not recognizing and deserving one's successes and results, one's work, abilities, qualities and skills, and continuing to feel illegitimate in one's activity or profession reveal a very low self-esteem.

But for those of you who know me and know that I'm always "amazed" at the extent to which our childhood, socio-educational conformities and expectations have an impact on our adult lives, I'm back to constraining messages (Taibi Khaler), these pressure messages, these self-inflicted injunctions that, if not adapted to the situation, are sabotaging and anxiety-provoking.

I'd like to highlight two of them that give rise to this feeling of imposter,

• The EffortMaker : he succeeds, but can't recognize the fruits of his labor and praise unless he's put in a lot of hard work. This is a pity, as it means he may miss out on his talents, since by definition, to be gifted is to do something easily, more quickly and better than others.
• And of course Be perfect who will remain stuck until perfection is achieved. In pursuit of an ideal but utopian image that they'll never be able to achieve, perfect Beings constantly devalue themselves by focusing only on their shortcomings and weaknesses rather than their skills, abilities and qualities. As a result, they limit themselves and refuse opportunities for fear of failing or making mistakes. He under-exploits his potential and doesn't allow himself to develop and evolve.

Another recurring problem arises when, to compensate for shortcomings, we accumulate training, courses and certifications. The risk then is to become scattered, stagnant and, in the end, lost as to which direction to go in. This adds another layer to your low self-esteem, not to mention the financial costs...

How to get out of it?

10 tips from the coach: 

1. VALUE your successes and achievements 

You don't have to have impostor syndrome to realize that many of us have trouble acknowledging our successes and achievements. The modesty imposed by social decorum doesn't help.

Don't wait until you've reached a major milestone to recognize it!

A quick and simple exercise is to sit down - I recommend before going to sleep - to have a short reflection of your day and write in a journal:

• 3 accomplishments or successes you have achieved
• 3 things you're grateful for.

These can be small successes or simple accomplishments that have had a small impact, either on you because they've moved you forward (starting a task you kept putting off, taking a real break when you tend to work non-stop), or for others (making a good balanced meal for your family, spending quality time with your children).

In this way, you' ll anchor a sense of self-recognition.

2. Learn to KNOW YOURSELF deeply and objectively

Impostor syndrome is a cognitive distortion, i.e. an inaccurate perception of reality that leads to exaggerated or irrational thoughts about oneself.

• Take a sheet of paper and draw up a list of all your successes and achievements, from the beginning of your life to the present day (sisi even from your early childhood!).
• Then draw out your qualities, abilities, strengths, talents, skills and various experiences.
• Make an exhaustive and objective list (avoid "I'm nice", but rather what makes you say, or makes others say , that you're nice).

3. Work on CONTRAVENTING MESSAGES

In particular the Make an effort and the Be perfect.

• Know where you stand on each of the five compelling messages - to assess where you stand, take the test.
• For those you're under, turn them into "permissive" messages, a kind of mantra that will help you lift the pressure you're putting on yourself.
• Feel when you're putting too much pressure on yourself and take that pressure off by applying your permissive message. 

4. Reduce perfectionist demands and think in terms of EXCELLENCE.

Perfection may be a utopian ideal, but it's better to set a high but realistic bar that can be raised as your self-confidence grows.

In this way, you'll have a high level of expectation without it discouraging you and putting too much pressure on you.

You'll avoid procrastinating or being blocked by fear of failure, making mistakes and other fears.

In this way, you can continue to surpass yourself by gradually raising the bar. You will increase your expertise and excellence gradually but continuously, and with motivation rather than devaluation.

In the same vein, 

5. Set REALISTIC objectives and break them down into achievable actions.

It's all very well setting ambitious targets, but "Rome wasn't built in a day!

• Start by breaking down your goals into SMART sub-goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound). They must also reflect your values, desires and needs! Hence the importance of getting to know yourself.
• Then take action. And, if it's difficult, think 4Ps, the Most-Peasant-Not-Possible. What would be the smallest action I could take that would get me started?

The most important thing is to get moving, stagnate and you'll regress.

• And don't forget to celebrate every step forward, no matter how small, as it strengthens the dopamine reward circuit.

6. STOP COMPARING

It's good to be inspired by what others do, but it can have the opposite effect if you lack self-confidence. In this case, you'll tend to focus on your weaknesses and shortcomings, which will weaken your self-esteem.

And yes, it's good to be in a continuous learning mode, but keep it in line with your objectives. Ask yourself what my intention is - for example, to take this new training course? - otherwise you risk spreading yourself too thinly and losing sight of your main objective.

Know your values, desires and needs so that you can stay aligned.

7. CHANGE YOUR INTERNAL DIALOGUE

''If we talked to our friends the way we talk to ourselves, we wouldn't have any friends!''

Change your internal dialogue by stoppingself-criticism and negative thoughts!

Be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you are to others!  

Be aware of your own value, because yes, everyone has value, including you!

And learn to accept compliments, take them on board, they'll boost your self-esteem.

8. Learn to WELCOME and embrace your WEAKNESSES

Your weaknesses, your shortcomings, your flaws, they're all part of you.

You don't have to be perfect!

Accepting and loving oneself unconditionally is the adult's job in undoing childhood conditioning.

Now you can decide what you want to improve about yourself and whether it's worth the effort, because working on your weak points might just bring them up to a good average.

Why not work on your own strengths and skills and put them to good use? That's when you'll make a difference!

And delegate to others what they do with talent.

9. Change your RELATIONSHIP with FAILURE and MISTAKES

There's no such thing as failure!

Think in terms of progression and learning. Imagine if, as babies, we had stopped trying to walk the first time we fell! We'd be a generation of crawlers 😆

There's nothing quite like trial-and-error learning. The idea is "you fail, you grow" 🌱

10. CONSULT a professional

Consult a professional, a third party with experience in what you want to achieve, a mentor, a coach, an expert.

Don't underestimate the difficulty of overcoming and even seeing what lies behind brakes, blockages, fears, ... Coaching can help you to :

• Become aware of certain mechanisms, counterproductive behaviors and energy-guzzling thoughts.
• Detect your self-sabotage, and build your self-confidence and self-esteem (on which your financial thermostat depends). 
• Commit yourself to keeping to the timing of your objectives and actions by investing in coaching or other support. It will challenge you to maintain your motivation or, on the contrary, temper you if you overestimate. It will prevent you from spreading yourself too thin. 
• Work on the causes of your procrastination (and the brain is very good at making you do or forbidding you to do if it unconsciously translates it into danger, and this can go back a long way with traumas), as well as your fears (of failure, success, ... the gaze of others, judgment). This will free you to move forward and stop ruminating. 
• Transform your beliefs so that they become resources and maximize your abilities, skills, value, ...

This list is not exhaustive: a professional can help you in many other ways! Everyone's situation is different, depending on their history, background and experiences. It's important to find out what's best for you. If you'd like a proper assessment, I can offer you a diagnostic session - book an appointment here.

For entrepreneurs in the start-up phase ...

In the course of my coaching and discussions, I've noticed that the difficulties entrepreneurs face in their business (problems with customers, stress, demotivation, positioning difficulties, low profitability) stem from the fact that they want to stick to a label or image they think they should fit.

They create a list of skills and abilities they must possess, of services they must be able to provide, and in a certain way. They lock themselves into this image.

By comparing this list of predefined criteria with themselves, they see only their gaps, weaknesses, areas where they feel inexperienced.

But what about all your previous years?

During which time you have practiced one or more trades, various roles, different activities...!

Even as a child, your interests, your hobbies, your successes, ....

It's all about being who you are today, with a wealth of experience to draw on!

This patchwork of experiences, as I call it, makes you unique.

Our job will be to see what you can and want to use from your patchwork of experience to create an original service offering.

That way you'll be aligned, you'll naturally attract the right customers, and you'll feel excellent.

So you won't have any trouble asking a fair price for your services.

At last, you'll be able to enjoy your professional and personal life to the full.

This requires the ability to peel away labels, to be authentic, to be free of socio-educational constraints, and to think outside the box, i.e. to be fully creative! 

Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself!

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself."

So what's your vision?

Interested in exploring this concept and seeing how it might apply to your business or project? Click here to make an appointment.

And what about the doubts?

Let's be clear, though: it's good, even ESSENTIAL, to have doubts! To a certain extent, it allows us to continually improve and evolve.

But it has to come from you, not from others!

On the other hand, too many doubts and a feeling of impossibility lead to suffering, anxiety, professional over-investment and an imbalance with one's personal life.

Exhaustion, burn-out and depression are just around the corner.

Facing up to it and working on what you need to solve this problem will help get your project or business off the ground. 

Believe in yourself, you're worth it 😜

Special workshop on Imposter Syndrome and lack of self-confidence, see coaching page.

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