by Anne Cornelis - Futur Soi Coaching - March 28, 2022

How can we free ourselves from a situation that makes us suffer?

( Part 1 )

... To be free of suffering for ever: a promise that seems unattainable, if not completely surreal. What are the mechanisms of emotional and psychic suffering? Why do we suffer? Do we have a choice? Our real power lies in the present moment.

Our past is not real

One of the books at the top of my personal development reading list that has made a particular impression on me is Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of the Present Moment". The Power of the Present Moment".

At a time when I was trying to get rid of the impacts of the past and better understand my own functioning and that of others (with which I had so many misunderstandings and misalignments), reading this book triggered powerful realizations in me.

My first revelation: 

- "Our past isn't real!"

What we experience is not reality. It's only a perception of reality! 

This is because we experience events through the filters of ourmindset and emotions, our cognitive distortions, our beliefs deduced from interpretations of our past experiences or inculcated by those around us.

This means that every situation experienced is completely different for each person (because of all these "filters") and, consequently, the memory of that situation is also entirely unique to each person.

An edifying example is the testimony gathered during a police investigation.

More than half of all miscarriages of justice are due to errors in testimony. It's true that, over time, witnesses to the same scene tend to select the information they consider most relevant, and tend to forget certain details. 

But their testimonies are also influenced by past experiences or thought patterns, from scenes seen in films or TV series, for example. They may also be influenced by discussions with other people during the course of the investigation (if witnesses are left to talk together for a long time, after a while, their stories end up sounding the same), or by the direction of the interviewers' questions.

And it's exactly the same with our memories.

- "Also our past is not real!"

We remember this with the influence of all these elements.

The past is what ultimately remains, the perception of how we experienced events at the time they happened.

What about our future?

In the same way, we can say that :

- "Our future isn't real either!"

Yes ...

I realize that, at this stage in the reading of this article, all this may be very unsettling for you if you're discovering these concepts for the first time.

If that's the case, I just invite you to open up to the idea that the future isn't real.

According to the Larousse definition, the future is a time, a period to come; an action or state situated in the future. By definition, the future has not yet taken place and therefore has no reality.

For Eckhart Tolle, the future comes from the imagination, an extrapolation of the present based on the replica of our past. 

Our future is thus only the projection of our fears, anxieties, uncertainties, ... 

It's an image of anticipation of a present that may depend :

• our level of self-confidence
• our self-esteem
• the way we were brought up
• of what our family, educational and social system has passed on to us
• past experiences
• of all our limiting beliefs.

So the only real moment would be the present moment, provided we don't live it with our minds but with our senses! 

Look, listen, touch, smell, taste... 

Live the present moment consciously, using our senses, without judgment, criticism or even comment. 

Just observe and feel... 

Whether it's something we experience (what we see, what we eat, ...).

Something we do (walking, showering, simple everyday tasks, etc.).

But also when you're in a relationship with someone else. 

This is being fully present, in consciousness.

The power of the present moment

We can only really enjoy the power of the present moment if we see and hear things as they are, if we experience events as they are.

The same applies to our thoughts, feelings and situations.

"- Simply let them be. "

Because suffering comes from resisting, even unconsciously, what is.

Our suffering comes from not accepting what's happening to us.

What we're told, or even what we tell ourselves!

You know, all those little messages inside that devalue you:

"- I suck"

"- I'm such an idiot..."

All those messages where you put a lot of pressure on yourself like, "I really don't have time to help her but I still have to say yes to please her!"

All these messages (sometimes unconscious) are known in transactional analysis as constraining messages (see article).

The key to preventing us from suffering lies in our ability to accept things, to let them be, without letting them influence our mind. This mind, as we all know, is made up of our thought patterns and internal dialogues.

This mind that starts spinning frantically (the famous hamster) as soon as an unsettling situation arises! 

Freedom from suffering forever

We've just seen that suffering comes from resisting what is.

If we free ourselves from these resistances, then our suffering will diminish of its own accord.

But there's another step we can explore to free ourselves from all suffering for good.

This is the identification stage.

Our suffering also occurs when we identify with our mind, with all the messages our mind sends us.

We then become those negative experiences of the past.

• We are this disease, this cancer.
• We are this incapacity, this inability to see a project through to the end.
• Or that flaw, that extra weight, that sickly shyness... 

Let's stop criticizing ourselves, blaming ourselves, judging ourselves and seeing only the negative! If we don't do it to our children, why should we do it to ourselves?

Instead of saying:

"- I'm such an idiot!"

We can say:

"- No, I'm not stupid (identity). I just don't know the answer (fact) yet."

From the moment we stop judging and accept what is rather than
resisting, we free ourselves from our mind.

When we stop judging ourselves and others, we free up space for more love, joy and peace.

Where there is peace, there can be no suffering.

By accepting the present moment and what is, we can deliberately make the choice of what to do with the situation that makes us uncomfortable. 

According to Eckhart Tolle, there are three possibilities.

We can choose :

• to change the situation
• to leave (get out of the situation)
• or to stay and accept the consequences of our choice as best we can. 

Acceptance doesn't mean always agreeing with the situation, but being aware that things are what they are and that we can't change them. 

If we can't change the situation, then there's no point in resisting or "flagellating" ourselves. We just have to accept what is.

It is in this choice that our true power lies!

Read the rest of the article HERE

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