by Anne Cornelis – Futur Soi Coaching – February 26, 2026

"Have the courage not to be loved."

Throughout my coaching sessions, one question remains:

Why is it so difficult to love oneself?

It was while searching for answers to this question that I read the book "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

This book covers the concepts of Adlerian psychology, a philosophy of life for happiness!
Unlike Freudian etiology, where past experiences explain our current behavior, Adlerian teleology is based on the idea thatwe act according to a goal or objective. 

Our past does not define us! 

According to Adler, what happened in the past is not the cause of our behavior. But we use it to ouradvantage... unconsciously, of course. 

The good news is thatwe can change!

For example, I remain shy, not because
* I was teased as a child,
* it's my nature,
* I can't help it, ...
But because this shynessallows me tostay in the background and avoid the risk of being rejected. 

This way,we are not prisoners of our past. By redefining new goals, we can free ourselves from it and truly live the life we aspire to! 

But to do that, you need COURAGE...

So, I ask you:what could be the hidden reasonwhy you wouldn't want to love yourself? 
Yes, I'm talking about wanting to, not being able to 😜 Because it's not a question of ability: you know how to love your children unconditionally, your dog, your cat, etc., even when they misbehave...
So, what would be the benefits for you in continuing not to love yourself?

Why choose to love yourself onlyif... you are successful, you are in top shape, you feel useful, you are a perfect parent, a perfect child, employee, partner... you are successful, you feel appreciated, you are a size 2, you are always calm, you always know how to handle everything 100%... 
The slightest weakness, flaw, etc., and boom, you criticize yourself, you devalue yourself, etc.

Rest assured, the problem stems from ourupbringing, from the reward/punishment system, which develops theneed for social recognition.

So, what should you do?
Detach yourself from it.

Free yourself from the gaze of others

No longer fear judgment, risk displeasing others, and being rejected.
This is where courage is needed: the courage to not be liked, the courageto displease...

But isn't it worth taking that risk, displeasing others, and LIVING FREELY?! Thistrue freedom, the free will to make choices that are completely aligned with our authenticity, our essence... ✨
This is how we live happily and fulfilled.🔥

It also takes courage to change: to break out of our habits and thought patterns, which are comforting and reassuring because they are familiar.
To step out of our comfort zone and into the unknown...
The unknown can be scary... But isn't it goodto stop living to meet the expectations of others? 

“Trouble begins when the need to be loved is stronger than the need to be respected.”

~ André Comte-Sponville

This requirestaking responsibility, fully accepting your choices in order to move forward on your own path and not that of others.
Freeing yourself fromeducationalconditioning—always our restrictive messages 😜, those injunctions that we continue to impose on ourselves but which put us under pressure, stress, and discomfort... 
 
Venturing into the unknown may require courage, or perhaps "simply" ...trusting yourself ...Because thanks to your past experiences, especially if you have faced adversity, you have developed enormous resources to overcome them (Nassim Nicholas Taleb's conceptof anti-fragility). 💪

So,
Ready to let go of those hidden "benefits" of not loving yourself?!
Ready to choose yourself first?!
Ready to be brave and happy?!
But above all,
Ready to trust yourself and embrace life, filled with your own love?! ❤️ 

Loving yourself unconditionally can be a real challenge for those who have been accustomed to being criticized, devalued, and belittled. Sometimes, it's just receiving recognition or attention under certain conditions... Conditions such as having done well, behaved well, been good... well-behaved, kind... 
This constant need for approval weighed heavily on us as children, and we continue to seek validation from others as adults 😓

What are the keys to loving yourself fully?

First key 🗝️ 

The first and probably most important key is to ACCEPT YOURSELF... quite simply. Accept yourself for who you are... with the courage to be imperfect. 
Embrace your imperfections and weaknesses. Take responsibility for your choices and move forward by overcoming your fears, discomforts, and insecurities. This is how you buildself-esteem. 

Being aware of our own worth, the contribution we can make on our own scale by feeling useful, but even beyond that: our existential value, the value we have simply by existing and being who we are....

Second key 🗝️

Returning to one's essence, and in doing so, being selfish in the healthy sense of the term, i.e., putting oneself first and, at the risk of displeasing others, continuing on one's own path, the path of evolution and fulfillment of one's aspirations. Aligned with our inner meaning, taking responsibility for our choices. 

This will take courage, because moving forward on your own path means going into the unknown, which can be scary and anxiety-inducing.
But aren't you tired of following the paths of others, which are familiar and so predictable in... (fill in the blank with the word that describes how you feel: monotony, routine, meaninglessness, suffering, etc.).

So the second key will be to RECONNECT with yourself. Even if it means taking steps to get to know yourself more deeply, internally...

Third key 🗝️ 

Humans cannot do without social relationships, but they are the source of many problems.
The third key will be to view relationships HORIZONTALLY, rather than vertically.

Eliminate hierarchy so that all relationships are between equals, and thus nolonger fear asserting ourselves. 
Even if we perceive that the other person is more qualified, has more experience, more certifications, or a higher degree, we can always learn from each other, can't we? A teacher from their student, a parent from their child, a coach from their coachees, etc.

Once again, this meanstaking responsibilityand not hiding behind authority.

Fourth key 🗝️

In my opinion, the fourth key will be to TRUST!
On the one hand,trust in ourselves, in our abilities, skills, and resources that life has helped us develop over time.
But also, trust in something that connects us, something greater, and that ensures that everything will turn out well in the end for everything we undertake and experience.

Recently, one of my coachees told me that when she looked back on her life a year ago, it was as if it were "another life," as if it weren't hers!
At the beginning of our coaching, it wasn't clear what she was going through. She didn't understand why certain things were happening, why certain events were happening to her. But as she worked on herself, she reconnected with herself, and everything became clearer to her.
Of course, it took courage for her to break up, change her life, and even move. But she was able to trust herself, trust that she could do it, and trust that everything would turn out okay. In any case, it was better than staying in a situation where she didn't feel like herself and wasn't happy.
At the end of our coaching, it felt strange to her when she thought back on it: she never imagined she would one day be living the life she was living today.
That's what transformative coaching is all about, transcending and opening up new possibilities ❤️

Fifth key 🗝️ 

The fifth key will be to live in the PRESENT moment.
Rather than being paralyzed by fear of the future or blocked by the weight of the past, enjoy the journey, the process, and not just when you reach your destination 👉 enjoy climbing the mountain and don't wait until you reach the summit. 

---

Life is a series of moments in which we can flourish in each one.

---

So, are you ready to live your life to the FULLEST?! 

The next question to ask is this:

Who do you want to become?

To manifest it, be it already in the present. Little by little, flesh out this image, making it more and more precise, thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, etc.
In this way, youwill change your personality, which will change your personal reality, i.e., what you experience in your life (according toJoe Dispenza). 

"Live the life you aspire to, not the one you are accustomed to!"

Marcus Aurelius said:"Grant me the strength to endure what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish between the two."

Determine what you want to change from what youcannot change. And have the courage to change what you can change. It is not a question of ability. 

Here's an exercise for you:

To inspire you, here are some photos of Sedona, Arizona. It was on mybucket listto experience the energy vortex and see what it would be like to meditate there. An opportunity arose unexpectedly, and within a few weeks, I was there! 

Dream big, one day, anything can happen! ✨

And if you have a project that is close to your heart, but you feel that something is holding you back or blocking you from achieving it, that you are in a fog, and you feel frustration rising... let's talk about it!

Share this article with a friend ...